Veggietales: Star Wars A New Hope
by Ek01
Summary: The greatest sci-fi space opera ever told...by hilarious, talking vegetables...
1. Lucas would be proud

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A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far

away...

\--

\--

It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the Galactic Empire.

During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the DEATH STAR, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet. Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess Leia races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people, and restore freedom to the Galaxy...

\--

\--

"WE'RE DOOMED!! WE'RE DOOMED!! SO VERY VERY DOO-HOO-HOOOOOOOMED!!!!!!!" Exclaimed a frantic, yet intelligent protocol droid by the name of Archie-p0. He looked inside another room.

"ARTOO-PEATOO! WILL YOU HURRY UP!! WE'RE SITTING DUCKS

OUT HERE!"

Meanwhile, within the same room, R2-Pea2, a rather small, round droid was conversing with Princess Leia, a blueberry.

"Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you

are...how you say, moi only hope..."

She said, as R2 recorded.

"Zhere." She finished. "'Ave you got all zat?"

"*bleep-bloop-boop-whee!" Said

R2-Pea2.

"Good." She said. "Take zees plans to ze Rebel Alliance, and whatever you do, do not let Darth Verdura get hees grimy, black gloved

hands on it!" Leia placed a CD into R2's storage compartment. R2-Pea2 abruptly rolled out of the room, and looked back at her.

"Be careful!" She called.

In the main hallway of the starship, Rebel soldiers lined up at the entrance, anticipating the moment when the evil Empire would enter...

"*Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale..*"

As soon as they heard this, they cocked their guns, preparing to fire.

The door burst open in a cloud of smoke, and a bunch of Stormtroopers surrounded the left and right flank of the room, leaving an entrance space for the malicious Sith Lord, DARTH VERDURA!!

He was a tall, male zucchini wearing an all-black cyborg-esque outfit, save for the red and blue buttons on his chest. Verdura also wore a large, black helmet, which hid his horribly disfigured face he'd sustained in

an accident long ago.

"...oh nooooo!" He said, sarcastically, "It's the BAAAADDD guyyyyys!!!"

"FIRE AT WILL!" Called a rebel

sergeant.

The rebel soldiers obeyed, firing numerous shots. Darth Verdura, however, blocked them all away, as if through some kinda magic. This "magic" wasn't magic, but the Lite Vinaigrette.

The Rebel soldiers fired as many shots as they could, but Verdura's bucket-headed goons remained victorious.

"Search the ship.." He ordered a few Stormtroopers. "..Find the girl."

"Already found er,' Sir." Said a

Stormtrooper. He placed Leia down, she was tied to a chair.

"Well, that was fast!" Said Darth.

Leia awoke and looked up, a scowl

on her face.

"Bonjour, Darth." Said Leia in a mocking tone.

"Hello, Leia." Said Darth in the same mocking tone.

"Darth Verdura...only you could be so bold. Ze Imperial Senate vill not stand for zees!! When zhey hear Zat you have hijacked a ship on diplomatic mission, so help me, zhey'll--"

"You are a part of the Rebel Alliance and a TRAITOR!" Exclaimed Verdura. "TAKE HER AWAY, WE WILL BEGIN THE INTERROGATION MOMENTARILY!"

The Stormtroopers obeyed, taking the kicking and punching Princess

away. Meanwhile, R2-Pea2 was trying to get to the escape

pods, yet he unknowingly was being followed by

Archie-p0.

How he hated whenever that nanny droid would always show up and tell him what was right or wrong.

He was a "full-grown droid! Not a little calculator!" As R2 always said.

Arch would always fire back with a

"droids don't age, R2, how silly of you to think that!"

R2 had just reached the

escape pod, when...

"STOP, R2! Don't go in, you'll surely be deactivated!"

R2 did not listen, and he beeped a sassy remark.

"WHAT?! How dare you call me a

mindless philosopher...you... you...you OVERWEIGHT GLOB OF GREASE!" Exclaimed Archie-

p0.

R2-Pea2 beeped and whistled.

"...I KNOW IT WAS MEAN OF ME, BUT I MEANT IT!!! You've cheated on your diet!" Arch "slapped" R2.

R2-Pea2 rolled into the escape pod, then looked back at the golden droid with a rather sad look, as if to say, "Are you coming or what?"

"NO!" Declared Archie-p0. "I'm not going in. It's your own fault, you little devil, and I'm not gonna take the blame. I'm not going--"

PEW! PEW! PEW!* A few laser blasts nearly killed the droid and left smoking remains on the walls.

"in...there...on second thought, LET'S GO!! BY ALL

MEANS, LEAD THE WAY!!"

Arch climbed into the pod and R2 activated it, sending the droids barreling across space.

"...I've always wanted a nice vacation!"

From the interior of a Star Destroyer, two of Vader's generals were watching the ship's surroundings. Just then, the escape pod containing Archie-p0 and Artoo flew by.

"Hold your fire!" Said an officer to another one positioning a gun at the pod.

"There's no life forms aboard."

"But I saw two droids!"

"DROIDS ARE'NT LIFE FORMS, STUPID!! IT'S FIRST GRADE!!" The lead officer smacked the more incompetent one upside the head.

Meanwhile, Verdura was still

interrogating Leia.

"...Give me the location of the

base..." Said Verdura, sternly, "OR YOU'LL BE REDUCED TO A SEVEN LEIA DIP!"

(Ba-dum-tss!)*

"Darth..." Said Leia. "I've told you before, ze answer

ees obviously no."

Darth and his comrades laughed til their sides hurt at her comment. He leaned on a wall next to her and squeezed her hair buns.

"See here, little sister.." Said Darth. "When you're with a great big, scary ol' Galactic terrorist like myself, ya don't really want to say "no" to me."

"Say, Lord Verdura," said a Stormtrooper. "How bout we show her what we do to blue blood Rebel scum like her..."

"Great idea, TK-8675309!"

Said Verdura. He looked at another Stormtrooper. "GIMMIE A BEAT!!" He hollered.

——————-

(Imperial March Rap! Lyrics:)

——————-

"Y-y-yo, y-yo, yo...

("That's right...")

("A-bust a funky lyric, now!")

Now see here you

little royal pain,

I be droppin'

Imperial Beats on

yo' thought train!

Yeah, I'm the

baddest dude that

you'll ever meet,

covered in black

from head to my

non-existent feet!

Wha'sa' matta,

Princess, you think

this is unnerving?

Tell ya what: I find

your lack of faith

dis-tur-bing!

An Ev'ry body say

"Da da da da-da-

da, da-da-da..."

(Da da da da-da-

da, da-da-da!)

Beatboxing

instrumental)

(That's Lord

Verdura to ya

baby...)

So sit back, chillax,

let the hate flow

thru ya,

And I shall proceed

to school ya!

Well, a nick, an' a nack,

An' a straight-up paddy whack,

I command an army of troops,

That will attack ya from da back!

Pulpatine, my man,

He may have them

clones,

Get one thing

wrong, I'll force

choke ya to the

bone!!

Mama say mama

sa mama-a-koo

sah,

Who is this Lord

Verdura dude?

C'est Moi."

——————

"So tell me, Princess, now that I've given you an incredibly cringey and short rap song, where is the Rebel Base?"

"Zhey're on...uh...Dantooine?!" She stuttered.

"AAAAAAAAAAHGBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBHHGGRRHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Darth clearly couldn't take her stalling anymore. "STORMTROOPER-AND-BOSS ONLY MEETING!! EVERYBODY IN THE WALK-IN CLOSET!!"

All the troopers crawled into the walk-in closet, then shut the door. Leia placed an "ear" to the door so as to eavesdrop.

"Okay, guys." Said Darth. "The music number didn't work, nor did asking her nicely or harshly chewing her out--how're we gonna make her crack?"

"How bout we blow up Alderaan?" Suggested a Stormtrooper.

"That's ridiculous!" Exclaimed Verdura.

"We could ne--SAAAYYY! I have an idea: how bout we blow up Alderaan!"

"...great idea, sir." Said the Stormtrooper, sarcastically.

Verdura quickly ran out of the closet, grabbed Leia and

tied her to yet another chair. He pushed her in front of the window, giving her a view of her home planet. He then ran back, microwaved two bags of popcorn and sat next to her.

"Oh boy this is gonna be so good!" He opened his helmet and stuffed some popcorn in his mouth. He then passed a bag to her.

"What?" Said Leia.

"Well, dearie, since you won't give me the plans or tell me where the base is...I'm gonna blow up your home planet! Hee-hee heeeee!!"

Leia's unsure expression became a definite face of surprise mixed with utter terror.

"No! NO-NO-NO-NNOOOOOOO!!! YOU CAN'T DO ZIS!!"

"Oh, but I can. FIRE IT UP BOYS!!" He called to his Stormtroopers.

Leia watched in horror as the enormous laser powered up, slowly

but efficiently.

"Say," Verdura looked back at Leia, "Do you want extra butter?"

"On three.." Said a rather dumb Stormtrooper to another whose "finger" was above the fire button.

"One."

KA-BBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!!*

That did it.

Alderaan was reduced to dust in a matter of seconds.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Why...you

MONSTER!!!" Exclaimed Leia, tears rolling down her face as she reached for her gun.

As she was about to fire it, Verdura simply "flicked his wrist," and the gun flew into the garbage chute.

"Oh, yeah?!" Said Verdura. "So what if I destroyed your home planet, at least you never got fried in lava and then rebuilt into me, a mechanical freak show!! How's that for losing something you love?! Huh? Oh, and what about your mom?! She--" Verdura looked around, and was embarrassed at the spoiler he'd given.

"But...that's a story for another day." He looked at the Stormtroopers.

"What do you mean by "my mom?!"" Leia called.

"uh...nothing...TAKE HER TO THE DETENTION CELLS AND LOCK ER' UP!!"The Stormtroopers obeyed.

"Sir! Siiiirrrrrr!!!" A Stormtrooper called just as the door was about to close.

This trooper, while hurrying to deliver this message, failed to notice the wet floor sign.

"wwwOOOOOOah!!" He exclaimed, then landed in front of Verdura.

"Yes, what is it?" Said Verdura.

"We have discovered the location of the plans! An escape pod has been jettisoned recently, and our sources have determined that it contains a protocol droid, and an R2 unit with the plans!!"

The trooper then let out an excited, girly squeal, Verdura also let out a girly squeal, until he cleared his throat, the Stormtrooper following.

"Find them, and bring them to me." He said.

As soon as the door to the hallway closed, Verdura looked around, then broke into tears.

"I...I lost my smokin' hot body...OH, WHY'D I HAVE TO CHALLENGE THE LITE VINAIGRETTE?! But hey! At least Leia doesn't know I'm her--"


	2. Droids on Da Run!

Ch. 2: Droids on Da Run!!

"...Well! A fine mess YOU got us into!" Said Archie-p0.

The escape pod had crash-landed on Tatooine, a desert planet, and Archie p0 was starting to regret the decision he made.

"Ah, but how could I blame you when we are currently in such a state of despair. We seem to be made to suffer, dear R2, It's our lot in life."

(R2-Pea2 started off in another direction.)

"HEY! Where're you going?"

"Beep-bleep, squeak-whooo!"*

"Well, I'm not going that way. It's much too rocky."

"Squeak-bleep-bleep eee!"*

"What makes you think there will be settlements out here?! I'm. Not. GOING!!"

Archie-p0 pompously hopped away. R2-Pea2 turned and gave a small "whooo."

"NO MORE ADVENTURES!! I'm going this way, and don't cry to me when your servo disks malfunction!"

The two droids began to walk their

separate ways on the lone planet. As Archie walked, he looked back at his old friend, then proceeded walking so as to not seem sympathetic for the little silver droid.

Hours passed, and it seemed like Arch was hopping in circles judging by the endless dunes

of sand and rock!

"This is all his fault!" Said Arch. "That little bugger tricked me so that I'd fall apart and die! HO-HO! NOT TODAY MY LITTLE FRIEND! FOR I AM A SURVIVOR AN--"Something caught the mechanical eye of our robotic deuteragonist...could it be?

It is! A small vehicle was seen crawling across the desert.

"Oh my goodness!" Exclaimed Archie-pio. "I'm saved! I'm saved!" Archie-p0 ran as fast as his

metallic parts could carry him

towards the vessel.

"HEY!!! OVER HERE!!!" He called. "HEEEELLLLLLLPPPP!!!!!!"

The monolith vessel powered down, Archie patiently awaiting his rescuer. The door opened, and

to Arch's horror, three pea Jawas came out!

("Wow, this guy actually came right to us!") One said.

("If only other droids were the same way..") Said another.

The lead Jawa pulled out his blaster.

("Let's get im', fellas!") he said. "UTTINI!!"

"Oh, no!" Arch thought as the lead Jawa aimed his stun blaster at him.

BZAKK!!!*

"GaaAAAAAAAAaaaAh!!" Archie exclaimed. He fell to the sand, then the Jawas picked him up and carried him into the ship.


	3. Enter Cuke Skywalker

Meanwhile, on that very same planet lived a young man (er, cucumber) by the name of Cuke Skywalker.

Cuke was just about your average joe.

He liked lots of things, especially riding in his Sandspeeder, and he lived with his Aunt and Uncle all his life (yet he was unknowingly Lite Vinaigrette sensitive).

One morning, Cuke and his uncle Owen were off to buy two new droids. Since they lived on a moisture farm, they needed the extra work.

"CU-UKKKEEEEE!!!" Cuke's Aunt, Beru called.

"Yes, Auntie Beru?" He said.

"When you find a droid, be sure it speaks Bocce! Byeee! I love you!"

"...yes, Auntie Beru. I love you too!" Said Cuke. He started to walk away.

"DON'T TALK TO ANY STRANGERS!" She exclaimed.

"Yes, Auntie Beru." Said Cuke. He started to walk away again.

"IF YOU GUYS GET LOST REMEMBER THE CARE PACKAGE WITH THE STICKERS I MADE YOU!"

"Yes, Auntie Beru." Said Cuke.

"...OH, AND DON'T FORGET!! IT'S TACO TUESDAY TONIGHT!! WE'RE ALL GONNA TAKE A FAMILY PICTURE WEARING SOMBREROS!!"

"O-KAY Auntie Beru!!!!" Exclaimed Cuke, who was finally able to join his uncle. He never liked the family photos.

"...y'okay, nephew?" Asked Uncle Owen.

"Yeah..." Said Cuke, "Except for the fact that Auntie's gettin' pretty overprotective lately, don't you think?"

"She's only tryin' to protect us." Said Owen. "Tatooine ain't no place for a young man like you, so we gotta protect y'all till you're grown up and you've learned how to work the crops and stuff like that."

The two walked and walked into the desert, where a family of Jawas

had set up their Sandcrawler and were selling droids. Two Jawas were unloading Archie-p0 and R2!

"O-kay, bub." Said Owen to a Jawa. "What d'y'all got fer us today?"

("Well, ya see, Mr. Lars, what with you being our smartest customer and all, we've bought out the best of the best.")

"GIT TEW TH' POINT." Said Owen.

("Oh, yes sir!") The Jawa pushed Owen towards Archie-p0.

("This, sir, is perhaps the finest in protocol droids you've ever seen! Wow! Just look at that gold plating! Like rich, Correllian leather! Some may even say he was made by Darth Vader himself! Why don't ya check im'

out?")

Owen slowly approached Arch. Archie-P0 looked at him, trying to figure out why this strange man was staring at him.

"Um...can I help you?" Asked Archie-p0.

"Yeah, is you programmed for

etiquette and protocol?"

"Indeed." Said Archie-p0. "It is my primary function."

"Eh, don't need no protocol droid."

"Well, in an environment such

as this you don't, sir, but--"

"WHAT AH REALLEH NEED'S A DROID WHAT KIN UNDERSTAND TH' BINARY TONGUE OF MOISTURE VAPORATORS!!"

"Why, good sir!" Exclaimed Archie-p0. "I am certainly capable in speaking that tongue, yea, I speak over six-million forms of communication! The binary tongue will be a cinch, as I have also been in a career much similar to your moisture vaporators, and--"

"Yeah, yeah, Ah don't got that long o' a 'tension span. C'MON, GOLDY!!"

"Oh my..." Said Archie-p0 as he was scootched towards his new owner. "These are interesting folk, indeed."

"HEY UNCLE OWEN!!" Called Cuke. "Woah! Nice protocol ya found there!"

"Thanks, nephew." Said Owen.

("Will that be cash or credit, sir?")

asked the Jawa salesman.

"CASH." Owen handed him a huge

wad of paper bills. Owen turned, and saw a red R5. "AN' I'LL TAKE TH' RED

UN', TEW."

Poor Artoo gave a sad bleep as he and Arch were separated. But, just as the red droid had arrived with Cuke, Owen and Arch...it exploded its head off.

"Great! This un's busted!" Exclaimed Owen. "WHAT KINDA IDJIT D'YA THINK I AM!?!" He held a Jawa by the

neck.

"Master Uncle Owen, Sir..." Said Archie-p0. "Before you so savagely harm that creature, might I suggest that blue one as a

substitute? He's in great condi--"

"GIMME THAT BLUE UN', WE'LL TAKE IM'!" Owen called.

The Jawas gave R2 an encouraging push foreward.

"Are you sure about him, Arch?" Said Cuke.

"Don't worry, Master Cuke, he is highly experienced. I know, because I happen to be his counterpart." Said Arch.

"Oh, Really?" Asked Cuke.

Artoo-Pea2 rolled after the three. Arch stopped him.

"Don't you forget this." Said Archie to Artoo. "Why I should stick my neck out for you is far beyond my capacity."

Artoo bleeped a 'sure', and the company was on their way home.


	4. The Search Party

Ch 4: The Search Party

Upon arriving at the homestead, Cuke helped Arch and R2 get into an steaming hot oil bath. Archie-p0 leaned back and let the warmth overlap his metallic body, and R2-Pea2 blew a few bubbles.

"Ohhhhh..." Sighed Arch. "Praise the Maker! This is the best bath I ever had, thank you Master Cuke."

"Anytime, Arch!" Replied Cuke.

R2-Pea2 continued to relax in the oil along with Arch, then he started spinning his head around and frantically beeping.

"WHAT?!!!" Exclaimed Archie-p0. "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NEVER

TO MENTION HIS NAME!!"

("Bleep-beep-beep-a-YAAAAA!!!")

screamed R2-Pea2.

"Who's name?" Asked Cuke.

Archie-p0 struggled to say the name, but it came out.

"Uhhhhh..." Arch started short-circuiting.

"It's okay." Said Cuke. "Don't kill

yourself. You guys keep marinating, I'll be right back."

Cuke walked out of the garage, and started running. He ran, until he got tired and stopped.

(Cue 'Binary Sunset')

Cuke stared out at the wide, open desert as both the suns on Tatooine set, giving the skies a dazzling pinkish orange color. He loved coming out there every day; it was absolutely beautiful, and it

fueled his desire to leave his own planet for once and explore others. This amazing sight was enough to make the toughest person cry at its simple beauty...

(Cuke thought he should bring Uncle Owen out of the house and see it with him--maybe he'd loosen up!).

"CU-UKE!!!" Uncle Owen called, "TIME TO SHUT THE POWER DOWN!!!!"

"COMING UNCLE

OWEN!!" Cuke called. He quickly flipped the switch, pulled Archie-p0 and R2 out of the oil bath and ran inside the homestead for dinner.

\--

\--

"...Amen."

The Lars family had finished praying and started

eating. All was silent, until Cuke spoke up.

"I think that R2 unit was stolen." Said Cuke.

Uncle Owen looked at him. "Really? What d'ya mean?"

"Oh, I dunno..." Said Cuke, playing with a spoon. "He keeps saying that

he belongs to some guy named 'Obi-Wan Kenobi'...kinda sounds like he was talking about Old Pa Kenobi."

Uncle Owen spat out his blue milk as Cuke finished his sentence. He gagged and gagged till Aunt Beru had to perform the Heimlich maneuver on him.

"...Pa Kenobi, huh?" Said Uncle Owen once he could breathe again.

"Oh great, now you got him started." Said Aunt Beru.

Owen crawled across the table,

causing plates and cups to fall and clatter to the ground, until he was directly in Cuke's vision and peripheral vision (in other words, he couldn't see anything but Owen).

"Now y'all better listen up to me, Boy--that there Pa Kenobi feller's real loco in the coco, reason he got this looney is from all them years fightin' in t' Clone Wars alongside them Jedis. Ah don' want you t' git no-whar near that desert hobo cause y' may not come back alive..." Uncle Owen made a "KKCH!" noise and drew a non-existent finger across his neck.

"But Unc!" Cuke protested.

"But nothin'! You git no less-n a foot near that weirdo an Ah'll slap yer face so hard you'll fly where the twin suns don't shine in th' deepest pit o Dathomir..."

Cuke's eyes widened. Uncle Owen was incredibly graphic in his so-called 'punishments' (yet he never actually did them) when it came to

arguments like this.

"OWEN!!" Exclaimed Beru, "QUIT SCARING HIM!! YOU DON'T WANT HIM TO END UP LIKE HIS

F--"

Uncle Owen tossed a frying pan at her. She ducked, and it banged against the wall.

"WILL Y'ALL BE QUIET FER ONE

SECOND,

WOMAN?! AH THOUGHT WE AGREED T' NEVER SPEAK O' THAT MAN'S NAME NO MORE!"

An awkward silence occurred right after Owen finished his sentence. He and Beru looked at each other and sat back down.

"...Anywho," said Owen. "T'morrow you're gonna take that lil' blue droid into town an git it's memory erased--that'll be the end of this "Pa Kenobi" nonsense."

"BUT UUUUUNNNCCCC!!!" Whined Cuke. "I WAS GONNA GO TO TOSCHE STATION TO GET POOWWEEER CONVERTERRRRSS!!!!"

"NO. BUTS, YOUNG MAN." Said Uncle Owen.

Then, the family went back to eating (Cuke, however didn't seem all that hungry after that conversation, though).

"M-May I be excused, please?" Asked Cuke.

"Nephew--" Uncle Owen started.

"Yes, Cuke." Said Beru.

"Thank you, Auntie!" Said Cuke. He kissed his Aunt on the cheek. "I'll be back soon, don't worry!"

Cuke quickly ran outside. Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen looked at each other, then Uncle Owen spat in the household spittoon.

"That boy's got too much of his father in him." Said Beru.

"That's what Ah'm afraid of." Said Uncle Owen.

Owen and Beru continued eating, until Owen hopped to the door.

."...GIT ME A BUD LIGHT WHILE YOU'RE OUT!" He called.

But Cuke had already left the homestead. He stopped at the family garage, where Archie-p0 and R2 were "recharging".

"GUYS!!" Cuke called. "Wake UP!!"

Arch quickly woke up and looked

around.

"Whatever this is, Master Cuke, may we go back to bed when you're done? It's three a.m!!"

"Yes, I know." Said Cuke. "Where's

R2?"

"Why," Arch yawned, reaching to his left. "He's right he--"

R2, however, was nowhere to be found. In his place, there was a pillow under the sheets!

"He's not here..." Arch gasped. "R2?!!" He called. "R2!!!!!!"

"Maybe he went to find that Obi-Wan Kenobi guy?" Said Cuke.

"Obi-Wan Ken--WHY THAT NAUGHTY LITTLE WHELP IS AT IT AGAIN!!!" Exclaimed Arch. "I kept TRYING to tell him that Master Kenobi has no need for us, but THAT LITTLE NER'DO WELL NEVER LISTENS!!!!!"

"Don't worry, Arch." Said Cuke. "We'll find them!"

"But how?" Asked Archie-p0.

"I have a Sandspeeder, it can travel the planet pretty fast, and we could put the charger inside for you!" Said Cuke.

"But Master Cuke!" Exclaimed Archie-p0. "I might rust with that kind of climate!"

"...does it really matter if we're trying to find your best friend?"

The gold, asparagus-shaped droid sighed. Cuke was right.

"Alright," he said, "Let's go."

Cuke pulled out a remote opening a secret door behind a tool rack. He opened the door, revealing one of his most prized possessions: his dual engine, dual turbine, zero-gravity drive Sandspeeder...with cruise control.

"Hop in." Said Cuke.

\--

\--

5 Hours later...

\--

\--

Cuke groggily climbed the side of a mountain, and just lay there.

"DO YOU (yawn) SEE HIM?!!" Arch called.

"Mmmh...Nnnnope!" Yelled Cuke. He lazily stood up and slid down the mountain. Then he started to fall asleep.

But just as Cuke continued to cut

logs, Arch heard an

awful sound...

"EEEEEEEEEEE-YEEEEEEEAAAI YAI YAIYAIYAIYAIYAIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"

"Good gravy!" He gasped. "Tusken Raiders!!!"

"MASTER CUKE!!" He screamed,

shoving Cuke upright. "TUSKEN RAIDERS!!!"

"Tusk and what?!" Cuke yawned.

An arrow whizzed through the air, removing a chunk of Cuke's hair and pinning it to a dead tree. Cuke stared at the part in his head where his hair would be and ceased feeling drowsy.

"COME GET SOME!!" Yelled Cuke.

He picked up a sharp piece of

metal and charged at the Tusken Raiders. Cuke beheaded a few,

they simply threw punches.

They fought and fought, but the desert natives were victorious, so

they left Cuke and Arch next to the

Sandspeeder for dead. The Tusken Raiders waved their gaffi sticks, rejoicing. Cuke lay on the sand, sleepless and exhausted from the heat, not moving a muscle. He was not aware, but a hooded figure emerged from the rock formation and looked at him.

How strange the newcomer was, especially since the hooded figure appeared to recognize him. The

stranger pulled Cuke and Arch behind a rock.

R2-Pea2 emerged, beeping an 'Are they gone?'

"Yes." Said the stranger, patting R2's head. "They are gone, little friend. No need to be frightened."

\--

\--

The cucumber awoke to a splash of water on his face. He opened both his encrusted eyes one at a time, opened them, closed them, and opened them again. Cuke looked around, he was somehow under the shade of a large rock. 'How did I get here?', he pondered.

He looked to his left, there was an empty pail of water. Cuke stood up, and hopped past a still-recharging Arch. Someone was watching him. Cuke held up a large piece of stalagmite from

one of the rock formations, and moved foreword, looking around, ready to hit something if he needed.

"Master Cuke, I--"

"AAAAAA!!!" Cuke swung his stalagmite bat and whacked Archie-p0 in the face. Arch was not dented from the impact, however.

"...oh, sorry, Arch!" Said Cuke. "I was just trying to kill the--"

There was a rather old grape with glasses staring at Cuke. He was clearly past middle age, judging by his all-white hair, and he wore a brown robe.

"AAAAAAGH!!!!!!!" Exclaimed Cuke.

Cuke ran and ran, until the grape stood there, staring at Cuke.

"Hey, hey buddy? Yeah, We're trying to find a guy named Obi-Wan Kenobi. Have ya heard of him or seen him by any chance?" Cuke asked.

The old grape thought, removed

his glasses and thought some more.

"...Obi-Wan Kenobi...hmmm...I know that guy from somewhere...was he that fat guy, or

the weird roommate I had? OH YEAH... I haven't heard that name since, well, before you were born."

"You knew him?" Asked Cuke.

"Oh, I know him alright." Said The old grape. "...you're looking at him."

Cuke was in absolute shock.

"You're Obi Wan Kenobi?!"

Exclaimed Cuke. "I thought you were old Pa, that desert hobo guy."

"Well, yeah! I simply changed my name to Pa, cause one, I'm old, and two, I had to go into hiding somehow!" Obi-Wan started looking around.

"Don't freak out about this, but I've been watching you all this time..."

"EWWWW!!!!!" Exclaimed Cuke.

"NOT IN THAT WAY!!" Yelled Obi.

"I am looking for someone that will assist me in a most perilous mission to the Outer Rim of space. There is a woman of high, regal status being held hostage by the evil Sith Lord, Darth Verdura. She is the leader of the Rebel Alliance, and unless we don't save her there will be great danger! A danger in the form of a large planet-evaporating base!"

"And...why do you want me?" Asked Cuke.

"I didn't want you...The Lite Vinaigrette chose you." Explained Obi.

"...the Lite Vinaigrette?" Asked Cuke.

"Yes." Said Obi.

"The force that binds all of life together...I think you may have it."

"WHAAAAT?!!" Exclaimed Cuke.

"I KNOW, RIGHT?!" Exclaimed Obi.

"Anyway, do you recall hearing any

stories in your youth about the Jedi; the foilers of evil with powers beyond anything you could imagine? How they destroyed the Empire?"

"Yeeeeah, no." Said Cuke. "Most of my life, people just called me 'Wormy' and made fun of me for gardening and having a baby dewback as a pet."

"Well, The Empire is coming back,

and they are going to make sure that they have every planet under their iron, non-existent fist...even your own."

"Oh, I'm so scared." Said Cuke, sarcastically. "I don't even LIKE my

planet."

"This little one, here," said Obi, "...he has the plans for the super weapon. We must

get him to the Rebel Base or the Empire will first."

"Yeah, about that, he even has some message for you from some really hot chick."

Cuke bumped R2, and R2's hologram of Leia came on yet again.

"Oh, the Princess."

Said Obi. "Yeah, I know her."

"Say WHAT?!!!" Exclaimed Cuke.

"Yeah, she's the princess! Oh, and you got him on the wrong way." Obi-Wan adjusted R2 so that instead of repeating the "Help me", the full message could be heard.

"General Kenobi, years ago you

served my father in zhe Clone Wars, and now I need your help yet again. My ship has been held hostage by ze villainous dictator, Darth Verdura. 'elp moi, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You are moi only hope."

The transmission went off, and Cuke had a great big blush on his face.

"So, are you in?" He asked Cuke.

"I can't go." Said Cuke. "It's almost dinner time...and my Aunt wants us to make memories and stuff like that."

"Come on!" Said Pa. "It'll be fun! Besides, wouldn't ya rather have an epic adventure in space than hang with...well...them?"

'aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRIIIIIBA!!!!!!!!'

A loud grito ripped throughout the air, frightening a bunch of Sand People and Jawas. From the interior of the Lars residence, Beru and Owen were doing the Mexican

hat dance and drinking margaritas.

"--never mind, I'll go." Said Cuke.

"But are you prepared for the tests, the exploring, the beauty, the trials of fate, the adventures, the life lessons, the scariness, the bad

guys, (and--(wolf-whistle)--the LADIES)?" Asked Obi-Wan. "ARE

YOU PREPARED TO DO MY LAUNDRY?!!!"

"Yeeeeah, sure, okay." Said Cuke.

"Is that really your best answer?!!"

Exclaimed Obi.

"LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND TELL ME "YYYYEEEEEE-HAW, I WANNA

COME!!", THAT WAY I'LL KNOW I

CAN TRUST YOU!!!!!!"

Obi-Wan removed his glasses and

lifted his slightly bushy, white eyebrows to reveal...a weird little pair of beady, black eyes. Cuke was internally laughing, but he was mostly trying to keep it to himself.

Those teeny little peepers were

incredibly difficult to look at at first, but slowly Cuke's pupils started to

link up with Obi's.

"YEEEEEEEEE-HAAWWWW!!!!!!!! I WANNA COME!!!!" Exclaimed Cuke.

"Now," said Obi-Wan. "Do you need anything before I brief you on this quest?!"

Cuke thought and thought.

"Nope." He said. Cuke shook his

head, remembering he was still tired.

"...a cup of joe would be nice..."


	5. Help me Obi Wan!

Upon arriving, Obi-Wan opened the door to his house, and the four went inside. The living room of the Kenobi homestead was a rather strangely decorated place with various medals, traditional Jedi jewelry and

sculptures.

"Woah..." Said Cuke. "You ever

get lonely sometimes?"

"Yes..." Said Obi. "I mean no! What're you talkin' about? The Lite Vinaigrette is my companion!

Anyway, you wanted some coffee, yeah?" Obi-Wan levitated

a coffee pot with the Lite Vinaigrette and poured a mug for Cuke.

Then, he started digging through a large chest, throwing out various items, until he found what he was looking for. It was a long, cylindrical piece of metal.

"Here we are!" He handed it to Cuke. "Try it!"

Cuke sipped and placed his coffee down and looked at it, since there really wasn't an on switch. He looked at it some more, then a flash of blue emanated from the top.

"Holy SMOKES!!" Exclaimed Cuke as he waved it around.

"Holy Smokes is right. This is a lightsaber--a civilized weapon, for a civilized age." Explained Obi-Wan, closing his eyes. "If I'm the last Jedi, then I must have a successor--you."

Obi-Wan opened his eyes and started sniffing the air--was something burning?

"MY VELVET CURTAIIIINNNNSSS!!!!!" He exclaimed. Obi quickly put out the

fire and stared at Cuke, who had a rather sheepish smile on his face.

"...we got a looooonnnnnngg way to go.." He snarled.

"Before we get started..." Said Cuke. "Can I go see my Uncle and Auntie for the last time?"

"Sure..." Said Obi-Wan. "But COME, BACK. The Galaxy's counting on you."

"Kay." Said Cuke.

Cuke quickly downed his coffee in a single gulp, got into his Sandspeeder and zoomed all the way back to the homestead. He ran

inside, whooping.

"UNCLE OWEN!!" He called. "AUNT BERUU!!! IM' BACK IM' BACK IM'

BACK!!!!!!" No one answered his shouts of joy.

He looked around. It smelled like Aunt Beru was cooking her famous 'six-alarm melt-your-face chili'...with an odd hint of fried flesh.

"Aunt Beru?!" Exclaimed Cuke.

"UNCLE OWEN???!!!!"

A dark-gray trail of smoke drifted into the room where Cuke was. He

decided to follow the trail and maybe find where it leads to. Cuke walked and walked, until he saw where the trail of smoke originated: at a very horrible sight.

Outside, the door had blown up and two skeletons were directly in front of him. One looked female, the other looked male.

Cuke could come to one, shocking

realization.

They were killed, they were dead. Their clothes hung like rags from their macabre skeletons.

Cuke began to whimper in horror.

On the ground, was a slightly torn small badge of the symbol for the

Empire; the kind of badge worn on the right shoulder part of the uniform by..

"...Sandtroopers." Cuke said in a monotone, cradling the symbol in a metaphorical hand. "I should have known..."

Cuke gritted his teeth and looked directly at one of the suns without blinking (a very very hard thing to do). Even though Uncle Owen was rough and somewhat disliked Cuke, and Aunt Beru was incredibly overprotective, he still loved them dearly. They had killed his only family, and he would avenge them.

(Cue banjo version of the 'Imperial

March')

Cuke hopped back to the Sandspeeder, and drove back to Obi-Wan. Obi and R2 were simply chillin' on lawn chairs.

"So you comin' or what?" Asked Obi.

"IM. GOING. TO SAVE. THAT PRINCESS."

"Love the confidence, but how are you gonna do that?"

(Music stops)

"...uh..." Cuke became embarrassed. "I don't know."


	6. That’s No Moon

Archie-p0 and R2 were seated outside the Cantina with a bunch of other droids, in a long rant about how humans mistreated droids.

"...I mean, really! Being of an ethnic background isn't bad or anything!

Why do they have Human-Droid segregation?! We're all children of the Ma--"

PEW!PEW!PEW!PEW!PEW!*

"...aaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!" Cuke, Obi, Bob and Chewie were running from a battalion of

Stormtroopers.

"AAAARRCH!!!! R2222!!!" Yelled

Cuke. "COME ON!!!!"

"WAIT, WHERE ARE WE GOING?!"

Exclaimed Archie. "WHO'S THE CHAP WITH THE LIVING CARPET?!"

"SORRY ARCH! ARCHIE-P0 AND R2, BOB AND CHEWLOTSA!! BOB AND CHEWLOTSA, ARCHIE-P0 AND R2!!"

The seven heroes ran from the troopers, who, surprisingly were missing shots left and right.

"NYAAA!!" Said Archie, sticking out

a metal tongue. "YOU COULDN'T HIT THE SIDE OF A--" A trooper blasted his right eyeball off.

"...oh. I'M HALF-BLIND!! ARTOO, SAVE ME!!"

R2-Pea2 quickly screwed his eye back on, bleeping a ""Why I should stick my neck out for you is far beyond my capacity"".

"SO," Said Obi. "WHERE'S THIS "FAST SHIP" OF YOURS?!"

"She's right over here!" Said Bob.

\--

\--

Time skip!

\--–--

\--

"...WHAAAAT A HUNK-A-JUNK!!!!!!!" Exclaimed Cuke.

"NO TIME FOR COMMENTS," said

Bob. "GET IN!!" He pressed a small

button on his starship keys, the Falcon gave a "chirp-chirp!"

Everyone briskly piled in, and Bob got out his ignition key. Unfortunately, Bob Solo's pride and joy didn't start as quick as he hoped.

"...Come on...you old...piece of--THERE WE GO!!" Bob grunted as The Falcon finally started up. "I told you to give this thing a lube job a LOONNG time ago Chewie!"

The Falcon started off at a relatively normal pace, with all the Stormtroopers in Tatooine missing the really close target. Eventually, the atmosphere faded from blue to black, and our heroes were now in space.

"You dudes ever been in Hyperspace?" Bob asked Cuke and Obi.

"Can't say that I have." Said Obi.

"I haven't even been out of my own planet!" Exclaimed Cuke.

"O-ho-ho!! You two are in for a treat! But first, I gotta warn ya;" he turned to Cuke, "...Going through hyperspace ain't like dusting crops, farm boy."

"Pssh!" Exclaimed Cuke. "I once killed nine-hundred Womp Rats on my home planet--I-I'm tough enough for hyperspace, heck, I can handle anything!"

Cuke inhaled his stomach, making it look like abs. It abruptly deflated into pudge, however.

"Right..." Said Bob, sarcastically. "HERE...WE...GOOOOO!!!!" Bob punched the hyperdrive switch and the Falcon zoomed across the galaxy like a roman candle!

"YAAAAA!!" Cuke fell through a few

doors and landed on a glass pane. He slid down, a small bit of saliva trickling from his

mouth.

"...I think I broke my everything..." Said Cuke. Bob, Obi and Chewie laughed.

"Windshield wipers, please, bud." Said Bob to Chewie. Chewie pressed the button, and Cuke popped off like a Velcro.

"Say fellas!" Said Bob. "Until we get to Alderaan, you guys wanna hear

some DISCO?!"

"Did you say--" Obi started.

"D-D-disco?!" Finished Cuke.

"Oh, you know it, man!" Exclaimed

Bob.He pressed a button. Every light turned off and a disco lamp distended from the top.

"_DO THE HUSTLE_!"

"Dy-no-mite!!" Exclaimed Cuke.

The Millenium Falcon zoomed

across the groovy Galaxy in funky hyperspace all the way to Alderaan. However, when they arrived at Alderaan...it wasn't there.

"ARE YOU PEOPLE NUTS?!!" Exclaimed Bob. "YOU TRICKED ME!!"

"I am not!!" Yelled Cuke.

"YOU ARE TO TRICKING ME!!" Replied Bob.

"Am not!!"

"Are to!!"

"Am not!!"

"Are to!!!"

"(*YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!*)" Exclaimed R2-Pea2.

"Not you." Said Bob.

"Silence!!" Exclaimed Obi-Wan. "Anger and arguing lead to the Dark Side!!"

Everyone quickly stopped. Bob and Cuke "shook hands" and made up.

"Sorry." Said Bob.

"Me too." Said Cuke.

"Now." Said Archie-p0. "Since that's over, can anyone tell me WHY WE'RE ABOUT TO CRASH INTO THE MOON?!!?"

(Cue 'Imperial March')

Everyone looked out the window to

see a monolith, planet-like structure.

"That's no moon..." Said Obi-Wan.

"...It's a space station."


	7. The Rescue!

From within the enormous base, thousands upon thousands of Stormtroopers were surveying the area, making sure there were no Rebels in the area. Suddenly, the Falcon approached the Death Star hangar.

"Stormtrooper landscape surveyor

1," said a voice on one end of the Death Star PA, "You have a call on line 3."

The Stormtrooper picked up the PA

mic and cleared his throat.

"WHO IS THIS?!!" Exclaimed the

Stormtrooper.

At that moment, it was either come up with something convincing or die, so the gang had to act fast.

"Um...yeah!" Exclaimed Cuke on the PA. "This is Pizza Hutt! Someone ordered the Jabba Special; fifty-thousand,

extra cheesy stuffed-crust pizzas with bacon, black olives, pineapple, pepperoni, ham and bell pepper?!"

The Stormtroopers all huddled up, then approached the PA mic yet again.

"Uh, yeah! That's us!" Said one.

"Come on in!" He opened the door.

————————-

Within the dark, confining area of Darth Verdura's chamber, Darth stared out a glass window into the far reaches of space. He was troubled, clearly. A Stormtrooper

walked inside.

"L-Lord V-Verdura?!" He said.

"WHAT." Said Verdura. He shook his head. "Oh, sorry TK-666. I was feeling kinda weird."

"How weird?" Asked a rather raspy and elderly voice.

"Who s-said that?!" Exclaimed TK-666.

"It is I."

A large, black chair turned around, and on that black chair sat an elderly orange wearing a black robe. His peel was a light-orange color, wrinkled from age.

"...Emperor Pulpatine."

"O, my old master!" Darth Verdura bowed in respect to the aging Sith. "I have not seen you in eons!"

"Neither have I." Said Pulpatine. "So

tell me, my apprentice...what is eating at you on the inside, what is the thing that keeps you up at night lately, in other words what is troubling you?"

"I feel something...a presence I have not felt since..."

The doors opened.

"...Obi-Wan!!!" Said Obi, who'd heard their conversation through the Lite Vinaigrette.

(Bum! BUM-Bum! Buuuuummm!!!)

\--

\--

"I got a bad feeling about this, Cuke!" Said Bob as the two were walking down the halls trying to find the princess. Bob had Chewie chained up so the Stormtroopers would think he was a prisoner.

"Why?" Asked Cuke.

"What if she doesn't like us?" Asked Bob.

"Oh Bob!" Said Cuke. "She's a princess. They're supposed to be accepting and loving and such towards everybody, it's Disney logic!"

"Yeah, but it's not just that: I got a whole entire list in mind on why this is a bad idea."

"Bob, Bob, Bob." Said Cuke. "You've faced morbidly obese Hutts and vicious Stormtroopers and other things, and you're afraid of a girl?!!"

"I've never talked to a girl; heck, I never even had a girlfriend!!" Replied Bob.

"Here we are." Said Cuke.

The trio had arrived at the cell where the princess was being held.

Cuke's com link came on.

"The primary combination is open, Master Cuke." Said Arch. "Over."

"Thanks Arch!" Said Cuke. "Over."

He placed the com link back into his pocket.

Bob was looking around, trying to stall the mission.

"C'mon, Bob!" Cuke said, 'nudging his shoulder'. He pressed a few buttons on the lock, cracking the

secondary combination. "Besides, it's like my uncle used to say when I was a kid..." Cuke inhaled a lot of air then imitated his uncle's thick southern drawl; ""Ya cain't be too sho what's in the pickle barrel till ya git the lid open!""

Cuke opened the door where the Princess lay. A cloud of smoke billowed out from the detention cell, giving the room an eerie presence.

"Wow..." Said Cuke.

Bob stared, mouth agape at Leia. This was the princess they needed to save?!

She was incredibly gorgeous; her eyes, her lips, her buns...well, hair buns, that is.

"I'm Cuke Skywalker, your highness!" Cuke introduced, taking off his helmet. Bob did the same.

"We're here to rescue you!"

"Bonjour!" Said the princess. "I am Princess Leia Organic. And, who

ees zis andsome' red ma--"

"B-Bob S-Solo, your majesty...you're really pretty...I'm Bob Solo..."

\--

\--

Meanwhile, Verdura and Obi

were in a heated lightsaber battle. From a distance, TK-666 and Pulpatine watched.

"HAHA!!" Obi-Wan gave a left jab.

"HA HAAAAA!!!!" Verdura nearly sliced Obi's midsection.

"HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!" Obi-Wan tried to behead

Verdura.

TK-666 looked at Pulpatine.

"...are they seriously just going to keep laughing like that while they're fighting?"

"Ne'zzakin always loved the Dramatic Arts during his youth,

he's just channeling his inner Errol Flynn."

"Oh."

"I HAVE YOU NOWWW!!!!!!" Exclaimed Verdura. "Great parry by the way, old man."

"You have not got me!" Exclaimed Obi. "For it is I who has you!" He swished his sword at Verdura's "arm."

"YOU AREN'T GONNA EMERGE FROM THIS BATTLE WITH ME SLAIN UPON THIS FLOOR, OLD MAN!!!"

"How do you know?!" Exclaimed

Obi-Wan.

Meanwhile, Cuke, Leia, Chewie and Bob arrived on the scene.

"What's he doin?" Said Bob.

"Shhh!" Said Leia. "They'll hear you!"

Bob noticed the Stormtrooper battalion starting to form.

"If you strike me down, I will

become more powerful than you could possibly imagi--"The great Jedi, Obi-Wan was killed by Darth Verdura. There was no blood or anything, he simply evaporated,

leaving behind his Jedi robes.

Tears started to form in Cuke's eyes, as he was the one who'd

bought him on this crazy adventure in the first place.

"NOOOOOO!!" Yelled Cuke.

The Stormtroopers turned and started firing shots at our heroes! Leia ran to a wall, and kicked

open a door to the trash chute.

"Come on!" She called.

Leia jumped into the chute. Cuke was about to follow with Chewie, when he looked back at Bob.

"WONDERFUL GIRL!!" Exclaimed Bob as he fired shots back at the Stormtroopers. "...EITHER I'M GONNA KILL HER OR I'M BEGINNING TO LIKE HER!"

"Just get in!!" Exclaimed Cuke.

He unchained Chewie and they

jumped into the trash chute. Bob

continued to fire, but when he saw

more Stormtroopers arriving, he

shrugged and quickly jumped inside. The chute was a long way

down, everyone screamed as they zoomed down the curves.

"WWOOOOOOO!!!!" Screamed Bob.

"PUT YOUR HANDS UP, CHEWIE--IT'S MORE FUN LIKE THAT!!!!"

Chewie did not put his hands up, however. The three landed, face-down into a whole lotta garbage. Bob looked up, smothered in brown goo.

"THIS IS SUCH A GREAT IDEA YOU

HAD, YOUR HIGHNESS!!" Said

Bob with much sarcasm in his voice. "AND WHAT A WOOOOONDERFUL SMELL THIS

PLACE HAS!!!"

"oh, WILL YOU SHUT UP AND HELP ME?!!!" Exclaimed Leia. While they argued, Cuke Skywalker started sinking into the brown water.

"CUKE!!" He yelled. Bob ran to his aid and started to pull Cuke out of the water. "NO! NO! NOOOO!! DON'T DIE ON US BUD!! NOT NOW!!"

"Awww!" Said Leia with the same sarcasm as Bob. "I didn't know you cared.."

"SHUT UP!!!!" yelled Bob.

Suddenly, a large tentacle came and pulled Cuke underwater! Bob,

Leia, and Chewie looked at each other and screamed.

"THERE'S ZOMETHING LIVING IN 'ERE?!!!?"

"Oh, sure, If this is the Dark Side, OF COURSE they don't HAVE AN

EXTERMINATOR!!!!"

Suddenly, there was a loud mechanical creaking. The walls

in the garbage chute started to

move closer! Leia and Chewie quickly grabbed a long piece of pipe and lifted it to the walls, trying to prevent them from being crushed.

"One thing's for sure," said Bob. "We're all gonna be a lot thinner!!"

"CAN IT AND HELP US OUT HERE!!!!!!!!!!" Exclaimed Leia.

Bob reluctantly shrugged his shoulders and trudged through the water to help Leia. Just then, Cuke Skywalker emerged from the water, gasping for breath. He noticed that the walls were closing in, so he

fished out his comlink and pressed the button.

"ARCH!!!! TURN IT OFF!!!!" He yelled.

Meanwhile, Archie-p0 and R2-Pea2 were trying to figure out this computer. They were getting kinda bored, so R2 made him and Arch some oil smoothies.

"...Eh...Try the other one." Said Archie-p0.

R2 placed his metallic hand into

the machine, only he activated the Death Star horn (it sounded like the 20th Century Fox anthem). Arch felt a buzzing near his side; it was his comlink!

"Good heavens!" He said, "I forgot I

had this silly thing on vibrate. Hello?" Arch picked up the

call.

"ARCHIE-P0!!" Exclaimed Cuke. "HEEELLLPP!!!!"

"Master Cuke!" Said Arch. "You are

in danger!!"

"Ya think?!" Replied Cuke. "The walls are closing in!"

R2 quickly scattered the data and assorted buttons on the mission control, trying to find something.

"Artoo and I are looking as fast as

we can!" Exclaimed Archie-p0.

R2-Pea2 beeped. Archie-P0 listened and nodded.

"Apparently, Artoo says he found a button that will get you out of there!" Said Arch.

"Better not be the incinerator!!" Yelled Cuke.

"How are we getting them out?"

Asked Arch to R2.

"(*beep-squeak-a-beep-bee-beep!*)" Said R2.

"One of the functions is 'flush'?!" Exclaimed Arch.

R2 nodded and then beeped something very inappropriate for his droid age.

"HEAVENS NO!!!" Exclaimed Arch. "IT IS NOT JUST LIKE A TOILET!!! That's the most CHILDISH thought you've ever had!!!"

"(*beep-boop-yee-meep!*)" said R2.

"(Sigh) I guess you're right." Said Archie-p0. "It is the only way."

Archie-p0 lifted a small plastic covering over a large red button labeled "flush". He gestured to R2-

Pea2, who promptly extended

a metal hand and pressed it. Meanwhile, back in the chute, a loud siren and a red light came on.

"Uh, Cuke?!" Asked Bob. "What did'ja do, little buddy?"

"You'll see." Said

Cuke.

The water in the garbage chute started spinning and spinning around in a circle, going down a large hole in the center. It continued to spin and spin, until the trash and all three of our heroes were out, coughing, trying to catch their breaths. All was silent as Bob, Chewie, and Leia looked around.

"HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"

Exclaimed Cuke.

"WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Bob and Leia whooped.

"GRAAAAAAAAAWGH!!!!" Yelled Chewie.

"Goodness!" Exclaimed Archie-

p0 from the other end of the comlink. "Oh, R2, listen to them--they're DYING!!! They're dying and it's all our fault."

"NO, ARCH!!" Yelled Cuke. "WE ARE FAR FROM IT, MY FRIEND!!"

"Wonderful!" Exclaimed Arch. "You really had us going for a second there!"

\--

\--

After avoiding lots

of Stormtroopers, our heroes finally arrived at the loading dock, where the Millenium Falcon was still in one

piece. Leia looked at Bob and gave him an "are you serious" look.

"You came in zat thing?!" Exclaimed

the Princess. "You're braver zhan

I thought!"

"hey WATCH IT, BUNHEAD, I JUST

SAVED YOUR LIFE!" Bob fired back.

Everyone got into the Falcon, and Bob pressed the Hyperdrive button.

Later, our heroes arrived at the Rebel Base, and were greeted by lots of cheers.

"You saved her!!!" Some yelled.

"You guys are awesome!!" Yelled another.

"Welcome back, your majesty." Said

a tall carrot.

"Greetings, Mon Mothma." Said Leia.

"I have heard a great deal about your friends, lately." Said Mon Mothma. "We shall make them members of the Alliance."

"I'd be honored!" Said Cuke.

"BIGGS!!" She called. "Suit em'

up!!"

A guava came running over with the measurements for their Rebellion

uniforms. Apparently, Cuke and the guava recognized each other.

"Biggs Lightflavor?!" Said Cuke.

"Cuke Skywalker?!!" Replied Biggs.

They laughed and hugged, reminiscing old times.

"Missed ya bud!!" Said Cuke.

"Same here!" Said Biggs. "Who'd a thunk ol' Wormy would've ended up

here?!"

"Yeah!" Said Cuke. "I've been through A LOT lately, you have no idea, home slice!"

As Cuke and Biggs talked, so did Mon Mothma and Leia.

"We have made a most surprising discovery that I believe will aid us in the battle!" Said Mothma.

"Really?" Asked Leia.

"Yes! Apparently the Death Star has a certain weak spot somewhere in the exact middle!!"

Just then, an X-wing came into the

base, completely missing a lot of the landing strip. Thousands of flight attendants grabbed the legs and wheels of the spacecraft, and yanked until it came to a complete stop. The door opened, and a really fat gourd emerged from the cockpit, eating a few hundred sandwiches.

"Aw, Porkins!!" Exclaimed Leia to the gourd. "I thought I said no snacking while flying!"

A huge, blushy smile came over Porkins' face. Leia turned back to the crowds as Porkins devoured the rest of his sandwiches.


	8. The Battle

"Now, Zat everyone is ere, does everyone remember ze first rule of zhis Rebellion?"

"You do not talk about the Rebellion."

"Zhat's correct!" Said Leia. "Do you

guys remember ze second rule of zhe Rebellion?"

"You DO NOT, talk about the Rebellion!"

"Zhat's correct!" Replied Leia. "Now, ze meeting concerning ze

Death Star shall commence."

Everyone sat down in a few thousands of chairs in front of a large hologram of the Death Star.

Admiral Ackbar, a Mon Calamari was first to stand in front of the crowds, followed by Mon Mothma, Leia, and some other Rebellion Officials.

"Greetings!" Said Admiral Ackbar. "Rebels, Officials, Doctors, Friends, Nurses...lend me your ears."

Everyone comically

listened intently.

"So, apparently, our sources have

determined that the weak spot is

the main reactor core, which is in the very heart of the Death Star, just directly between the food court, the carnival, the Stormtrooper-only striptease show and the Cirque Du Soleil. It is possible that

we may be capable of squeezing in two laser shots in the core, yet it is also a one-in-a-million chance. If there are any sharp-shooters in this

corps, you may try your luck. If you die, well, you die. DIIIS-MISSED!!"

All the Rebels reluctantly looked at each other and departed the room.

"Well that was interesting." Said Bob.

"EVERYONE TO THE BREAK ROOM, WE WILL START IN ONE HOUR!!" Called Mon Mothma.

Everyone, not wanting to disobey orders, walked to the break room. Within the break room, Mon Mothma passed some snacks and a few hundred mugs of coffee to everyone, each downing theirs.

"...this may take a few hours so DRINK UP GUYS!!!"

"...aw man, Good Times is on in a half hour..." Said a Pilot.

"TV can wait.." Said his pal.

All Rebels stared suiting up and grabbing their R2 units. As little R2-Pea2 was being lifted into the X-wing, Archie-p0 watched.

"Please come back!" He called.

R2-Pea2 beeped.

"Why?!" Exclaimed Arch. "Well, you wouldn't want my life to get boring, would you?"

R2-Pea2, if he weren't a droid, would be blushing right now. Cuke Skywalker climbed into the cockpit, in full Rebel pilot attire. He put on his helmet, signed a few waivers and put on his seat belts.

"You sure about this, buddy?" Asked Biggs. "You've never ridden in one of these, before."

"It'll be like riding a bicycle." Said Cuke. "...only thing is I'm flying it."

A large siren started to blare. That was the signal that the Rebels would take off soon.

"**Let's Go**." Said Cuke in a gravely voice.

Upon having been given the clear to take off, every Rebel X-Wing activated and zoomed into the vaccum of space.

"_Finished with my woman 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind,_

_People think I'm insane because I am frowning all the time,_

_All day long I think of things but nothing seems to satisfy,_

_Think I'll lose my mind if I don't find_

_something to_

_Pacify_!!!"

"Keep it up, you guys!!" Called Leia.

A few Rebel X-wings did some aerial tricks, then blasted some TIE fighters to liquid metal.

"WOOHOOO!!" Whooped Cuke.

"Just like old times, eh bud?!"

"You know it!"

Replied Biggs.

"_Can you help_

_me occupy my_

_brain?_

_Oh yeah._.."

One, two, three more TIE fighters were exploded with the shots of Rebel lasers. A few Rebels distracted more TIE fighters while the remaining Rebel X-wings went closer to the Death Star.

"How we lookin', Cukey?!" Asked Biggs.

"Doin' awesome!" Said Cuke from his X-wing. "Right, R2?" R2-pea2 beeped.

"Porkins, ya still active?" Asked Biggs.

Porkins was flying his ship rather low, on account of he was far too busy eating and eating. As he was about to finish a gob of peanut butter, a TIE fighter blew up himself and his X-wing.

"Porkins?!" Said Biggs.

\--

\--

From within the Death Star, as the battles took place, a few Stormtroopers were having a "The Empire Has Won!" pre-party, as they called it, because they "knew the Empire would win the battle". Darth Verdura found it very outlandish, yet they partied on.

"TEQUILA!!" Exclaimed a few

troopers in a conga line.

"Hey! Hey!" Exclaimed a Stormtrooper to his pals. "Every time an X-wing gets blasted, ya take a shot!"

The troopers followed the other one's game. A man...er, orange, was doin' the conga with a few Stormtroopers. This was Grand Moff Tart-Kin, Verdura's right-hand man. Maybe he could help Verdura with his dilemma.

"Ay, Tart-kin?!" Verdura called.

"Yes?" He asked.

"Why don't ya come to my lair and chill awhile? I got some real sweet digs here!" Verdura beckoned Tart-Kin to come with him.

Verdura's lair was VERY spacious—it had wooden walls and shag carpeting. Within the lair, soft jazz

played from a hidden radio. There

were lots of beanbag chairs and a hot tub, not to mention the many wardrobes of disco clothing Verdura also had.

"So, whatddya think?!" Asked Verdura as he handed Tart-kin a

few smoothies.

"Gee, my Lord..." Said Tart-kin,

admiring how incredibly thick his beanbag chair was. "I would hate to be the bearer of bad news, considering how I'm the only person that's ever been inside your sweet lair, but there's a rather pressing matter we've uncovered that requires your attention..."

Verdura stood up from his chair. Tart-kin looked rather shy, but he stood as high as he could stand until he was at Verdura's ear hight. He whispered, and Verdura nodded, then gave an expression of shock concealed by his mask.

"My WHAT is out there?!"

Quickly, Verdura ran down a few halls to the Death Star Garage, started his TIE-fighter, and zoomed into the battle.

\--

\--

Meanwhile, Cuke Skywalker was the only man left that was on the team to try and blow up the Death Star, and things were getting heated: R2 had been shot with a laser, and was trying to repair himself while flying. Cuke looked in his X-wing

windshield mirror, and saw something...black..

"...holy SMOKES DARTH

VERDURA!!! R2 DARTH VERDURA

SIX-O' CLOCK!!!!"

"...I have you now..." Said Darth as he advanced closer.

Cuke was in serious trouble. Not only was Darth Verdura getting

closer, but so was the spot he had to fire in!! He took a few deep breaths and tried to calm himself down.

"...Use the Lite Vinaigrette, Cuke..." Came a ghostly voice.

"Obi-Wan?!!" Exclaimed Cuke.

"You must use the Lite Vinaigrette and destroy this base...QUICKLY!! YOU HAVEN'T GOT MUCH TIIIIIMe!!!"

"OBI!! OBI!!" Exclaimed Cuke.

"Yeah? Something wrong?!" Replied Obi-Wan.

"I need to use the Lite Vinaigrette kinda fast now..."

"Why?" Asked Obi.

...

...

...

...

"cause I GOTTA PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

All was silent. Unbearably silent, sans an eerie ringing noise in Cuke's ears. He opened his eyes to be greeted by a massive explosion. He screamed bloody murder as the impact of the explosion quickly sent his X-wing far from the now-in-pieces Death Star.

But the cavalry came just in time: a large Rebel mothership had extended its transit beam and bought the smoking husk of X-wing into the dock.


	9. End For now

And so, Cuke woke up after a while, completely conscious, and the gang went down to receive their awards at the Rebellion Ampitheater.

"Well, that's a cute dress.." Bob told Leia.

"Thanks!" She giggled. "You're looking pretty hot, yourself!"

"Eyyyyyy!!" Cuke exclaimed, nudging Bob. "_SOME-BODY LIKES HER_!!!"

"I do not." Bob said.

"Yeah ya do!" Cuke smiled. "You're all red as a tomato!"

"I am a tomato." Bob said.

"Of course..." Cuke smiled. "But she thinks you are ONE. HAWT. TAMALE!!"


End file.
